I AM OUT OF CONTROL. Let me say that again. I AM OUT OF CONTROL.
I am a perfectionist. I sound like I am attending an AA meeting, but with that admission I just cleared the elephant that’s been in the room with me for a long time. *sighs
I can’t handle when certain things are not “right” in my house or in my life. It drives me UP THE WALL and gives me all sorts of anxiety. And because of this I have come to the realization, I AM EXHAUSTED.
Being the introspective person I try to be, I asked myself if I could pinpoint where this all began. I cannot.
I think it’s a symptom of not feeling in control. I think. Somehow a part of me thinks if I can control what my house looks like, then I am in control. The reality is I am outta of control in some area or areas of my life. I need to find what exactly that is and fix it. STAT!
I am juggling a lot. We all are, but I feel like I put too much emphasis is making sure every detail of my life is executed- flawlessly. I am learning to give myself more grace. The other week was a rude awakening. Two of my friends and one woman at my daycare told me I looked tired. Little did they know I was keeping it together with one frayed hair tie, old gum, and a dab of alcohol-free gel.
This past week I “gave up” and decided to get yet ANOTHER housekeeper. It was so freeing for me to actually let go control of some part of my life to a “stranger” and yet I managed to survive. Imagine that. I have decided to hire her full-time and I am so excited. She actually cleans like I do and is THE sweetest woman in the world. I wonder why it took me so long. Well, for the sake of transparency, I have been through like four housekeepers in the last year and I have hated them all. I have always wanted a housekeeper, a maid, and a chef. Having one out three isn’t bad.
I digressed. The point of this post is let you know I am not in control of so many parts of my life and I am okay with that. You have to learn to do the same for your life. Life is not about perfection. It is not about executing at the highest levels. It is about learning to embrace your imperfections while on the quest to find the best version of you. And if that best version of you requires getting some outside help to clean the house or to help you clear your head, then you do that.
I know it will take me a lifetime to really grasp the idea of letting go and being ok with the imperfection, which is the very essence of life. I am unlearning so much of what I thought was most important in life. I have never been about things, but I have tried to put on a pretty face. Always. So fleeting, yet I strived to make this my reality. Every. Single. Day.
Today, I am less about putting forward a pretty face, but rather I am learning it is much better to focus on putting a pretty heart forward. ALWAYS. I try to comb through the deepest crevices of my heart and search for anything that tarnishes it. I pray God searches my heart and reveals to me the ugliness that is inherently a part of it. I ask God to guide me through my anxiety and show me what I need to do in order to glorify him.
As of late, I have been feeling a lot better. I am learning to sit back and enjoy the moment. It’s nice. Really nice.
Are there areas of your life where you need to “let go” in order to be set free? Talk to me.