Starting NEW, Not Starting Over

About three years ago, I lost my husband of nine years.


He and I started dating at 21 and were together for four years before we married. We started out small and modest, and as we got older we each gained success. Along with that success came better jobs, better money, better homes, and better cars. We had successfully built the "American Dream" together. I had grown into an adult alongside him.  


As his death has gotten a little bit further from me,  I started to think about the idea of dating again- with dread. Here I am- a black woman, with two small children, and in my mid-30’s, starting over. WTF! I assumed moving on would be hard, for a multitude of reasons, but what I was not prepared for was how much my success would negatively impact my dating life.


After going on a few dates, I have started to realize that while I was comfortable with where I am in life, the men I went on dates with, were either not yet there or still recovering from a failed relationship. UGH! This put me in an awkward position, and so I found myself downplaying my accomplishments and future goals. I started feeling guilty for having the things I worked so hard for.

As if that isn't bad enough, I started feeling crazy for having the most basic expectations when comes to dating. Expectations like:

  • Ironing your shirt and not wearing dirty sneakers on a first date.

  • Not going Dutch on EVERY.SINGLE.DATE.

  • Meeting me in an area where I feel safe and can park my car without worrying it will get broken into.

  • NOT suggesting glorified diners when going out because the last place was a “little pricey”.

  • Driving a car where the glove box stays closed, and does not bang into your knees at every stop light.

BASIC. STANDARDS. Is that too much to ask? 


My standards for finding a mate are not what they were 13 years ago and really who's is? Before, being cute with a job would suffice. Not anymore.


I am looking for a man who is either at or above my level.  A man of substance, that can embrace children that are not his own, successful, ambitious, and who will put you on a pedestal. In essence, a 30-40 year old man that already has his "sh*t" together. 


No matter how much I have tried to settle or compromise on those fundamentals, I kept returning to the same place- bored, dissatisfied, and disappointed. I keep making the mistake of compromising too much of myself to conform to the other person. Well, I am done doing that. 


I have learned that I can start NEW, without starting over. I can find new love without losing the woman that I have grown to become. She's pretty amazing, so I am planning to keep her around. ;)


Vatasha Kristen

Blogger for VeeLuxe

About VeeLuxe
My name is Vatasha Kristen. I am a single-working mother, a woman of color, and a lover of overpriced and irresistible fashion. I am a native New Yorker currently bringing my East Coast style to the suburbs of Detroit. I love to share, chat, and openly gush about all things LUXE!! Learn more at and be sure to also follow me on my Facebook and Instagram social platforms.




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by Brinn From Burbank