Life. That one word brings about a wealth of emotions when I say it or even think about it. I have more questions than anything.
What does this all mean?
Am I living in my purpose?
What do I want to do when I FINALLY grow up?
Will my children want to be around me when they become adults?
Did I choose the right career?
How can I find my passion?
Are there “shoulds” getting in the way of my happiness?
What am I pretending not to know?
Am I living my best life now?
What motivates me?
One day I want to do what?
Should I REALLY eat the cookie and buy the shoes?
And on and on. I sometimes think I'm the only person with more questions than answers. Can any of you relate or do you have it all together? I highly doubt you do, but in today's society we put on a good show for the people who take the time to watch us. (At least this is what I tell myself so I won't feel so alone because God-forbid people know who I really am.) Or maybe you do and if you are willing to share your secrets, please email me. Like seriously. RIGHT. NOW.
Recently, I created a countdown for my next BIG life change. I have 4 years and 6 months before that time gets here. Someone asked me didn't that seem so far away, in which I replied, "The time will pass anyway. Might as well plan for it." (God-willing I am here to see the time pass. God-willing.)
And with the recent passing of my mentor, I know time isn't on my side, so whatever "it" is I have to do it NOW. The very thought scares me, yet invigorates me to "live life to the fullest". Excuse the cliche, but that's how I feel. Sometimes. Other times I carefully plan my life for the "one day"- thinking that I have time. I don't. None of us do.
Truly, deep down I am tired. Tired of trying to figure it out. Tired of pretending I am fine when in fact sometimes I just want to cry. Tired of trying to be perfect in a world where imperfection is the only thing I know is true. Tired of overcompensating for my shortcomings. Tired of trying to explain myself to people who will make their own judgement call about MY life no matter how many times I explain it to them. I am tired. Just FREAKING tired.
Yet, I ponder the age old question: What is my purpose and am I living life to the fullest? Truthfully, I have no clue. None. What I do know is I don't think I will ever know if I am living life to the fullest because if I did, I may not continue to live. What I mean by that is when you know about something you don't experience the richness of it because you are already anticipating the outcome. If I KNEW what my life was supposed to mean, I wouldn't hold on to the moments that take my breathe away because I know more would come. I wouldn't try harder because I know I would succeed. Eventually. I would practice less patience and grace. I would reject more than accept people's differences because I wouldn't need them to do anything for me. And on and on.
So, though we all have pondered "What does this all mean?", once, twice or daily in our lives, we have to remember the beauty in life often comes in the uncertainty of it. The beauty in life comes in the nasty scars we have and the bad days that often were the reason for them. The beauty in life comes when we try one more time. The beauty in life comes from not knowing. Anything. The moment you can admit you don't know much about anything is quite freeing. I will be the first to tell you, I have no clue and often proceed on my hunch and lots of prayer for guidance. Sometimes I just make it up. All of it. The funny thing is most people do, but we don't believe it. We want to believe what people present to us as fact. Often, it's not.
Today, look for the beauty that is this thing we call life. That I believe is our purpose. To experience horrible things, yet be able to find the beauty in all our pain. To experience all the beautiful things, yet live in wonder.
I've learned one day is a long way from where I'm at right now, so I have shifted my thinking to see things as day one. Day one to get whatever "it" is right. Day one to start over. Day one to breath deeply and take it all in. The best part about looking at life this way is you get to decide what that day one is.
Pick up your day one and ponder it. Turn it upside down. Split in half. Taste it. Give some of it away. You'd be surprised how many questions become answers.